Oh shit. It's a Bitterness Post™!

Yeah, yeah. I know I said I was gonna do this MAJOR upgrade with this thing. Dialup wouldn't let me. But then, the more I look at it, the more the theme seems to fit me. And besides, I don't want to get into the habit of changing it once a week. I know I would.

And no, I'm not about to post about Obama's State of the Union address. My only concern is that I tried to sleep through it (SLEEP!) and my mom proceeded to turn the television up. I haven't seen her give a shit about a president since the Reagan Era. But anyway...

It's been a long week. A week full of crap that has left me stomping down my insecurities. Despite the front I've mastered... It makes me feel so fake sometimes. But I've almost come to accept the fact that if you walk around with your feelings on the outside, people tend to back off. People tend to only bother with "feelings" when you're dealing with their feelings. If you give too many of yours, people tend to just want you to shut the fuck up. They'll even look at the state you're in and give you some cliche' of a response. If this cliche doesn't give then the reaction they expect, then they deem you unfixable and label you as someone in need of therapy.

But of course, if THEY have the problems, they expect you to be there. To be understanding. To not... give them cliches. But if they don't work for them, why do they always expect them to work for YOU?

Ergh... okay. I have what can only be deemed "abandonment issues". I'll be the first to say the root of it comes from being the abused and neglected child. The thought of "nobody really loves me" is learned behavior. Reenforced parent programming. If the human mind is a computer, then none of us can escape our parent programming, no matter how hard we try. But I do try... But a lifetime of moving from place to place, being used and exiled by family, dead friends and lovers, betrayals, and bad relationships have left me with the feeling that I'll always be left and people will always have something better to do than deal with me.

I feel like the toy that people only play with until the toy that they REALLY want is in their grasp... then they put me back on the shelf. And there I sit until someone else picks me up to play with. It's left me so untrusting... I don't like thinking about things in those terms. Some people may think I'm standoffish or I just don't care if they come or go anymore. I just feel like if you're gonna stay, you're gonna stay. If you're not, then you were gonna go eventually anyway. Or sooner or later someone will come along and you'll choose them at the most crucial of moments... friendships, relationships, et. al.

The fact that I spent half my life taking care of people who I felt were my friends, only to have them drop me and/or leave when I needed them the most makes me feel stupid. I do my best not to think about what my life would be like if I hadn't invested so much time and money into making sure the people I cared about were okay. It's a thankless job.

The fact that I'm 31 and live with my mother now, when I spent so much time being a surrogate parent to others in the past... even when they were older. It really doesn't seem fair, but I'm working on it. It's just that doing it the honest way is like getting water from a stone.

And yes. It also makes me feel inferior. Like I lost at life or some shit. I'm not dead yet, but it feels like it sometimes.

Death is the failure of your life's greatest ambition. Your Personal Hell isdealing with the consequences of this failure. My life's ambition was to never come here again. To never step foot in my mother's house. Maybe I should have aimed for something more materialistic and used others as stepping stones on my path to greatness. Like I feel everyone else did to me. It seemed to have worked for them... Too bad I'm not like them.

I hate the fact that in not wanting to feel so alone and the comfort of being understood, I've kept in contact with my exes. They always find me... I always revel in the fact that I can talk freely about the things that interest me and get feedback. It's something that I can't do here. But I have to hear them go on and on about how shitty the people they left me for are treating them. About how great a person I am or was... how our relationship was sooooo great. Then I get to watch them jump through hoops and damn near kill themselves to make their relationships or marraiges work. While whoever the dude is works, comes home, barely notices them unless they're hungry or the house isn't clean... So they don't act like wives to husbands... they act like replacement mothers. That's their lives.

And I don't need a mother. I've never had one. Don't plan to pick one up. I cook my own food. Clean behind myself. I've always treated the people I care about as equals. There IS no gender role playing. No "You do this because you're the woman, I do this because I'm the man". No "I work and pay bills so I do what I want, YOU just... do everything else my mother used to do." Whatever happened to the concept of two adults just being two adults? What happened to BALANCE?

Do you know how frustrating it is to be told that because a relationship had no problems, no arguments, no fighting, no second guessing... that there MUST be something wrong somewhere? Why is it that people are only satisfied when a relationship is something that they're killing themselves working for?

Why am I friends with nearly all my exes? I hate feeling like women will settle for the shittiest relationships as long as they feel like they're financially secure and they have to work at making it work.

I don't have it in me to treat a woman like shit. To use her as a maid/slut/cumbucket. I don't need a slave. I want a companion.

But whenever I've treated a woman as an equal, they've simply dumped me for someone who'll treat them like the maid/slut/cumbucket. So they can be babymamas or single mothers in a married household. So they can complain about the way they're treated and work themselves to death making it better.

So where does that leave me? I simply can't do it.

And when girls start popping up out of nowhere once I start making money again, how am I supposed to trust that?

FUCK I had all this shit to say, and now I'm spent.....